Becoming ourselves requires a degree of selfishness. Maturing into an individual means differentiating. We don't do this simply for the sake of being different. It is how we come to form and express who we are. It means recognizing our own essence, needs, desires and values, and acting on them even when this disappoints others. There is no way around it, and no way to do it without sometimes feeling guilt.
Guilt is a difficult feeling. It leaves us caught between what is expected of us and what we want. Because it is so uncomfortable, we get surprisingly inventive in our efforts to escape it. Many of these efforts are quietly manipulative, both of others and of ourselves. Not all guilt is the same. Some guilt arises when we have caused harm, broken someone's trust or acted against values such as honesty and consideration. There is usually something relatively tangible to look at: something we did, said or failed to do, and consequences that we may need to acknowledge. Even then, we can deny our wrongdoing, minimize it or find ways to justify ourselves. But there is something concrete we are avoiding. Other guilt arises when we disappoint expectations, choose differently from what others want, or depart from values we were taught to respect. This guilt is often less tangible. It may have less to do with harm we have caused and more to do with what our choices mean to us and to others. We may feel that we are being disloyal, selfish or ungrateful, even when we are simply becoming more independent. Here we enter a more complicated world of values, feelings and belonging. Learning to distinguish between guilt for the harm we have caused and guilt for disappointing expectations is part of the work. The two can overlap, but they do not always call for the same response. Neither form of guilt is automatically justified or unjustified. What matters is understanding what has happened before deciding what responsibility is ours. When we feel guilty for not meeting expectations, we have several ways of trying to get rid of that feeling. One is to diminish or demonize those who hold expectations of us. If we classify them as unreasonable or wrong, we no longer have to consider whether there is something in their expectations that deserves our attention. Another is to take on more guilt than is ours to carry. This can look like taking responsibility or showing care, but it can also be a way of maintaining control, avoiding uncertainty or making ourselves disproportionately important. It is as though everything that went wrong were ours to account for, control or atone for. We assume a burden that no individual can possibly carry. A third way is to hold on to our innocence. Rather than acknowledge our own capacity to contribute to a situation or cause harm, we place the wrongdoing entirely outside ourselves. Someone else must carry the blame, while we preserve our sense of moral superiority. Unlike the first strategy, which discredits the expectations placed upon us, this one protects us from recognizing our own part. Collective guilt has similar shadow qualities. Through our nation, culture or religion, we are part of histories in which people have oppressed and harmed others, or been oppressed and harmed, often both. Belonging to a group does not make us personally responsible for everything done in its name. Yet we can feel expected to defend, deny, carry or atone for aspects of its history. Here too, we may deny the guilt or take on a disproportionate share of it, remaining willing to pay for something that is not ours alone to carry. It is tempting to find belonging in an acceptable position, one that places the guilt outside ourselves or our group. What is harder is to hold the tension between what belonging expects of us and what our individuality tells us to do. Sometimes following our inner compass means questioning the very values and loyalties that connect us to others, and accepting that we may be seen as guilty in their eyes. What these strategies share is an unwillingness to remain with the discomfort of guilt and examine what it asks of us. That unwillingness keeps the shadow active. We would rather see ourselves as good, understanding and innocent than face the less comfortable parts of our humanity: our aggression, our anger, our desire for revenge, our hatred and our capacity to cause harm. Even our need for safety, which is entirely human, can lead us to control, dominate or hurt others. Refusing to see these parts can become a form of moral superiority. It protects an idealized image of ourselves at the cost of a more honest relationship with who we are. To mature and make choices that are genuinely our own, we have to let go of striving for an ideal state, whether innocence or atonement. We have to learn to stay with the discomfort guilt brings, long enough to understand what it reveals. When we avoid it or project it onto others, we lose contact with our inner compass. We become less able to stand by values that are genuinely our own, and more likely to fall back on the values that secure our belonging because others share them. But our inner compass is not simply a matter of following what we want or believe. It also asks us to question our own values, recognize what we owe others and discern what is truly ours to take responsibility for. Guilt is a feeling. Responsibility is a response. Guilt can help us recognize where we have caused harm, but it can also arise when we are simply becoming more ourselves. Standing in guilt means asking what it reveals, acknowledging our part, repairing what we can, and letting go of what was never ours to carry. The aim is not to remain guilty, but to learn from what guilt brings into view and move forward without abandoning ourselves. This is a continuing individual struggle. We can learn from others and be guided by them, but we cannot outsource the responsibility of discerning what is ours to do.
By Ariel Karmeli · November 2026
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