When we suffer, we naturally connect with others who suffer. We no longer feel alone, acknowledged and, at times, justified in our pain. Suffering can become one of the easiest ways to feel connected. We recognize ourselves in each other, share our disappointments, and find a sense of belonging in what hurts us.
But this kind of connection can also keep us stuck. When suffering becomes the ground on which we meet in friendships and other places of coming together, moving beyond it can begin to feel like moving away from each other. Our shared pain gives us belonging, but it can also blind us and keep us small, as we begin to conform to the perceived weakness and often outrage that bind us together. Individuation asks something different of us. It asks us to remain connected without needing to share the same wounds, conclusions or struggles. It asks us to allow our lives to unfold differently, even when that means no longer meeting others in the ways we once did. Perhaps one of the challenges of becoming ourselves is experiencing that we can belong without continuing to suffer together.
By Ariel Karmeli · October 2026
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