In most long-term relationships, a great deal has already happened. Life brings challenges while we ourselves are still being shaped by them. Over the years, the list of disappointments, misunderstandings and hurts naturally grows longer, and not all of it can be resolved.
As long as a relationship is organized around grievances, however justified they may be, there is only so much couples work can do. When partners become primarily occupied with what has gone wrong, it becomes increasingly difficult to rediscover what first brought them together.
What often becomes more important is the willingness to understand what was essentially hurt in each person, to relate to that with honesty and vulnerability, and then to gradually turn attention back toward the connection that already exists. From there, a different question becomes possible: What can this relationship still offer if we allow ourselves to give to one another again?
But giving only reaches us if we are able to receive. And when relationships become strained, receiving is often the first capacity to disappear. We stop taking in care, affection, appreciation or goodwill because our attention remains fixed on what is still missing or unresolved.
Receiving has to be restored. And it is rarely restored by continuing to focus on grievances.
By Ariel Karmeli · October 2026
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