One of the quiet paradoxes of relationships is that the more we are able to hold ourselves, the easier it becomes for others to hold us.
This does not mean becoming independent of one another. Quite the opposite. We discover ourselves through relationships, and much of our capacity to rely on ourselves is developed in the presence of others. But there is an important difference between needing another person’s presence and expecting them to carry what only we can carry ourselves.
The more we are able to stay with our own uncertainty, disappointment, fear or pain, the less the relationship becomes organized around fixing, rescuing or managing our emotional world. Our partner no longer has to protect us from our experience or find the right answer.
It is not that we need less from a relationship. What we need changes. Less rescue, more presence, less management, more empathy.
Paradoxically, when we become more capable of holding ourselves, we also become easier to hold. Our vulnerability becomes something another person can meet rather than something they have to carry.
By Ariel Karmeli · May 2026
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